That one time I totally killed like ten super strong monsters all on my own, like totally

It was a dark and stormy night…

Well it was day, and a sunny one at that, not a cloud in the sky… But it was still a dark and stormy night okay? My journal, my descriptions!

Anyway, a lot has transpired since my last entry, so much so in fact I may have to split this in to separate sections due to time. And most important; I was wrong about the dream all those years ago… I understand it now. But that is for later, So lets begin where we left off.

Our merry band of extremely lucky but entirely useless oafs stumbled out of the necromancers tower and began on our trek to meet up with some traveling trader. Kelly’s mother sent some bird messenger. We were to collect another member for our lackluster quest. So away we went until, a few days later, we came upon the trader, and a rather large ogress wrestling with several men in some sort of prize fight. She won. We spoke with the trader who informed me he was “Selling these fine leather jackets”, of course I had to get one. Turns out the pockets were half filled with broken colored eggs, but otherwise not bad.

Before long Kelly’s super creepy brother appeared in the clearing (with a necklace of ears for some reason) with my worst possible nightmare. A Garnettgetter. Its bad enough that sorry excuse of a mage set himself up a “school” (Twelve hells, even thaumaturgists turn their noses up at illusionists) but now I had to buddy up with them. After a few words exchanged with the ogress about where the chieftain might be (and explicit instructions to not hurt her cousin) we set off minus Kelly’s creepy brother (Sorry excuse of a mage, blemish on the names of sorcerers everywhere) and Darius decided he wasn’t going to be coming with us any longer. Too many jokes about his smell and his inability to do anything more than fall down holes on to spikes. Sokay, don’t really remember him being all that useful anyway, and for better or worse, the garnettgetter kid was just as trained, if not better, at the art of falling down holes on to spikes. Rogue… I mean rogue…

And with that, we set off.

Now we knew where the chief would be to take him out and get all we need and end this bloody tirade… so obviously we went to the other one to see if they had any shiny things and get the half-stack wet behind the ears.

The whole way there he did nothing but sing songs and tell the absolute worst jokes possible. For instance “Why did the displacer beast cross the road? Because he was already on the other side!” See what I mean? On the bright side, he had a sizable stock of fine wine, and unlike Darius, believed that the greatest enjoyment from drink came from sharing.

We eventually came upon a great cave, naturally we sent the newbie in on his own to see what would happen. After a while of hearing nothing from him we noticed a couple goblins riding mounts coming straight for us. Admittedly they were dealt with swiftly, I even got to shoot more rainbows! It was right about then that the newbie came running out trailing extra goblins who were, again, swiftly dispatched.

We figured to head on in and followed Garnettgetters lead as to a large cliff with a metal basket hanging on the far side. While trying to find a way across to the control room of the basket, the two munchkins have the bright idea of climbing along the precarious wall, even better than that, Kelly decides to pull out a torch and nearly gets speared by a bolt from a ballista. Chaos ensues as some “dancing lights” show us a large group of goblins and two ballista on the opposite wall.

That’s when it happened. That is where I discovered the true meaning of the vision. I needed a way to get across that cavernous abyss when I remembered a spell I had learned not too long ago. A great flourish of power overcame me as my arms grew to great lengths and membrane sprouted wings. I had become a harpy. I had changed myself, my very being. A world as I had never known suddenly appeared before me as I considered the impossible possibilities now set before me. I could become anything. Anyone. That formless mas wasn’t the unshaped essence of metal to be worked by hands. It was me. I was the unshapen void, many forms and no form.

But I had more pressing matters than a life altering revelation, I had goblins to deal with. I dug my new talons into the gnome and took off across the gap, catapulting him into the first ballista and carried myself on to dive bomb the second group. (Note to self, make sure to utilize the gnomapult™ maneuver to great effect in the future). In my new form I could still cast, and made sure to do so liberally until I heard a great noise erupt from the other cove where several goblins went flying out into the dark abyss and tumble down followed by a burlap sack full of sticks in the shape of a griffon speeding out of the cave.

It was about that time that the ogre threw an empty cage at my head. I dove back out of the way and it jumped after me! It even managed to get a grab on my taloned leg but I was able to rake his eyes and he lost his grip, thank the gods. The rest of the goblins were made short work of and we regrouped with the others for a moments respite before venturing further into the cave.

Today was a great day.

Aside from the whole finding the meaning to my life thing, I tricked the rest of the party in to carrying me around. So I’m going around as a harpy bad-ass like I am as we explore the cave network when I sense a secret entry way off to the side, thats when an idea strikes. I point out the door and go open it, but when I do, I fake like i’ve been poisoned and pretend to get knocked out. They totally bought it. Free ride for the next few hours goes to me! Also, something happened where Kelly turned in to a whirling dervish of death and apparently a bear at one point. Not super happy about that. Shape shifting is supposed to be my new life changing ability, not hers.

Anyway, its about time I pretend to come out of my “coma”. Its been quite relaxing if I do say so myself

If Fortes doesn’t get us all killed I swear I will kill him myself.

So we venture up to this cave of this super evil witch chick or something and take down a few guards, nothing doing (one did have an imp that flew off with some orders, that may bite us in the ass…) and I happen upon a brilliant idea. I disguise myself as one of the guards, a wizard covered in some magic items, has to be important, and we set off into the tunnel. I want to go on record as saying that not a single objection was raised to this plan by any party member at any point, not that I screwed anything up, in fact I single-handedly talked our way out of what was most likely a fight that would take at least half us out and raise every alarm in the building.

We continued down the corridor and past rows and rows of sickly griffons and manticores and quite healthy but incredibly horrifying evil crossbreeds of the aforementioned. Finally we come to the bottom of the cave structure and find the evil witch lady person in her sanctum sanctorum, surrounded by guards. I tried everything I could do get a private audience with her, managing only to get a wall of water surrounding her, her right hand guard and us when Fortes gets the brilliant idea of trying to negotiate with her. Chief Mates-with-wolves over there goes on a philosophical and ethical rant about how this is White Cliffs land and she needs to stop AFTER she has expressed that her ancestors were here first and she believes that the land is rightfully hers.

The damned fool demands she leave! What the hell kind of negotiation is that? I swear the man has no tact, I never though I’d find myself wishing for his brother, at least he might have been able to ply her with wine or something! Anything at all would have been better than Fortes’ fool-errant attempt at speaking. I have half a mind to weld his mouth shut from here on out.

Dear Journal, this part is simply too epic just to write about, so I will leave it up the bards who have begun to sing the tale far and wide across the kingdoms!

The Ballad of Kale

Well, after the rest of the group had their asses handed to them and they ran way with their tails between their legs, we met up at Marryl’s homestead and set a message off to Kelly’s mom about the events. She sent us one back telling us to stay put and they were on they’re way with an army to clear out the caverns. Huzzah!

While waiting one night, Fortes gets a brilliant idea to wander out in the darkness and gets himself caught by an Giant… A freaking Giant. And he’s supposed to be good at killing these things. Nope, get gets his ass handed to him yet again. Eventually he wisens up and sends his wolf to come get us and we get there in the nick of time to save his life and distract the Giant. Thankfully Kelly’s old mentor Jack McVeryrudeguy (more creative name to be added) joined us out of nowhere and felled the thing.

He exchanged words with Kelly, made fun of Fortes with us and then disappeared off in to the night. A few days later an army shows up and hands us new orders for a new mission. I just want to go home.

That one time I totally killed like ten super strong monsters all on my own, like totally

Lords of Whitecliff Tzarchasem