Never Again

So if its not bad enough that we’ve been sent to some Podunk town on the edge of nowhere by Kelly’s hippie mom, she sent the uppity light hammer too! Lovely, I had hopped we had gotten rid of them for good.

We find the mayors house and talk to some annoying guards, were about to get in when no other than Kelly starts climbing the walls and actively trying to piss them off! We finally managed to get her down and talk to the mayor who tells us that kids have gone missing on some cultists favorite night, but to ask some other old bag for more info, which is exactly what we do

The old lady explains that these cultists take the kids on the 3rd moon, whatever that is, and that there is another such event coming up in a few says time.

We plan our steps and on the day we fan out and scout the areas of the town and a few of us watching the creepy tower on the hill where the cultists are supposed to be. We remain vigilant to any activity and we wait

Kids gone missing, we missed it. Were just the best!

We sense some activity at the tower and we gather there as fast as we can. Three outlying houses hold a few baddies, but nothing we can’t handle. We knock those over and rush to the tower itself.

As soon as we get inside the gates the world that was at about daybreak goes dark and a legit third moon appears overhead, go figure. We carefully enter the tower and see no less than four people surrounding a creepy pool with the missing kids body floating in some strange liquid. Talk lasts for all of half a minute thanks once again to Fortes and the fight breaks out

swords swing, arms flash, fireballs burst and rainbows explode everywhere when we finally down the last hag woman when their boys crumble and a ghostly apparition drifts to the top of the tower… So yeah, that happened

I’m getting real tired of these Mutha Fuckin Vampires in the Mutha Fuckin Creepy Towers!

To whom it may concern,

This may be my last entry, for a I feel I may not be long for this mortal coil. I simply am laughing too hard, I fear I may die of hilarity.

Perhaps I should explain the joke.

After the ghost witch vampire chicks turn in to more ghostly ghosts. We grab the kid and duck out, figuring that we can come back when its bright out and gain an edge, couple that with Kelly running a cross country marathon to pick up some sliver sheen to cover Fortes’ blade with so he can really penetrate those coven girls bodies. And lets be honest, he needs all the help he can get in that department.

So imagine the fit of laughter I enjoyed when, in broad daylight, the sky turned pitch black, a voice shrieked and a third moon appeared as soon as we crossed the tower’s threshold.

Then, as soon as we get in, the room fills with fog and explosions come out of nowhere. At this point im just grinning like a fool.

Kelly high tails it out of here and from what I gathered after, she had a little party with a pack of angry wolves. While everybody else is trying to make it through this room. Oh, boy this room. So they greased the stairs, they covered the ground in some sticky tar or webbing stuff and then there are these pillars that shoot fireballs. I cant even fight im laughing so hard. You see, I finally get it now. This is all some big cosmic joke. The gods are pulling a prank and we’re the butt end of it, and I finally get it, its finally funny. Some might say im losing it, and that garnettgetter’s wine went bad in that pocket dimenson and its going to my head, but I’m going with universe’s play things theory.

How else would you explain the ridiculous situation we were thrown in/ Even when we plan something goes awry… though it was Fortes’ plan, and that really should have been the first clue it wasnt going to work.

Well, we survived… somehow. Still funny though

We met back up with Kelly. She tried to yell something about a bedroom but I wasn’t listening, I had just found a beautiful looking personal quarters for myself. I shall be claiming it as my own once we finish up here. Its got a great view and wonderful furnishings.

We ventured a little was further into the spooky tower and found a few more vamps. I think I heard some badass ninja call them suckheads once. I like that term. We killed a few more suckheads and then came toe to toe with grand daddy of dungeon crawls himself.

A Beholder.

Dude was a chump sandwich. Took him down without even one of us getting turned to stone, I didnt even have to help kill the thing, I just stood back and watched them cleave right through it like it was a pinata. What a joke, was really hoping one of the Lighthammers would follow in Daddy’s footsteps. Oh well, these next halls look more promising, I may even decide to lend a hand.

Dear diary, I did something kinda embarrassing

So, remember how I was going on about laughing and not helping. Well, I guess no one else was laughing. They were all kinda being shot and blown up and eaten and stuff and by the time I realized that they wouldnt find it as funny as me, it was kinda past the point of no return. On top of that, because I was hanging so far back, they had forgotten that I was with them, which would explain why no one was talking to me. While pondering how to break the news I walked by an open window, and, to avoid dealing with the consequences and fallout from the group for just laughing at their suffering, I jumped out.

Dont get me wrong, Im not crazy, I just turned into an eagle and flew down to the ground. I figured I’d just tell them I was scouting around outside the whole time, they’d buy that, right? But that would mean I would have to walk all the way through the whole tower again, thats when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye, some cracks in the wall behind some bushes. I cleared the plants away and found a nice sturdy looking door blended in to the wall, a back entrance! Not only would I get off scot-free for not helping, but I would also be helping so I would actually profit from it! Go me!

Naturally with my luck, the door was locked and as I started knocking I heard the screams and fear of the rest of the group inside.

I’ll be honest, I may have snickered a little bit before they let me in.

Oh, and get this, the ghosts they were fighting (which I really dont want to talk about) seemed to enjoy snacking on Fortes’ intelligence. Poor things must have left starving, but what they did manage to take turned the normally double digit IQ to plummet to single digit. He literally tried to headbutt the ghosts to make them go away… twice.

Oh the laughs shared at his expense.

Dear Diary,

This place is messed up.

After helping the others clear out the remaining ghosts-of-dead-boys-upper-torso’s-that-had-ripped-in-half (Dear brain, wont need any new dreams for a while, im pretty sure i’ll never sleep soundly again, thanks), we came across another abomination. Some sort of half eaten away zombie of a little child, if I had to guess I’d say a boy, but it was too decayed to really tell, and it was surrounded by the rotting and putrefied remains of other children, also half eaten. “Eaten by what?” you may ask, well lucky for you we found out. Giant ass millipede things with razor sharp teeth.

Seriously, fuck this tower.

After dispatching the crawlers and the ghosts and the zombie horror thing, we rested briefly before venturing on word to further confusion, frustration and despair.

We work our way all the way into some big room with lots of little moon window things lining the sides and several cultist bitches… I mean witches… standing guarding the door to the rest of the tower. Obviously Fortes goes charging right in without bothering to stop and look around and Surefine isnt far behind him. I swear, if you slammed the two of them together you might have enough brains to outwit a child, as long as you were distracting the child.

So they go charging in, and Kelly, bless her heart, takes a half a second longer before going in. At least Hogren bothered to look around first. As they all are entering, Im watching look confused and take swings through the witches that seem to pass through harmlessly. Smelling something fishy I preferred to stand outside the threshold and fire from outside, didnt want to get caught in the same trap as all of them.

Things then went from bad to worse and then all the way to catastrophic as they big hitters start slowing down, getting overwhelmed. Kelly tries to help and my shots are having little to no effect. Suddenly, Kelly goes down out of nowhere. I rush in to try and save her but as soon as I do half the people in the room turn in to shadows, including Kelly, even worse, one of the witches wasnt. I fire off a few shots but another witch comes in to focus and, knowing when Im outmatched, I have to withdraw, the others follow suit shortly after. Kelly didnt.

One of them was able to grab Kelly’s body and drag it out, but her last breath had passed on. We high tailed it out of there and sent word to Kelly’s mother in tree town along with her body to see if maybe she could be raised like Garnettgetter was.

Now we wait to hear back, the mood is somber amongst the group. No one wants to be the first to speak. Surefine and Hogran spend time praying, Fortes is just sitting, polishing his swords and making sure to coat every inch in the remaining silversheen. Not even Garrick, despite his usual joviality, seems willing to uncork his wine this night

Who would have thought the little halfling from the woods would have such an impact on us all.

A new day breaks over our group as we receive word from Treetown. Some political servant, Hassan is his name, came with the news. I remember seeing him around Whitecliff amongst the different higher ups, though what his position is I cant remember, but it cant have been nice given his demeanor.

He told us that they had tried to contact Kelly in the afterlife to bring her back, but she had refused, instead having found solace and peace in her eternal rest. Hassan was tasked to aid us in her stead, we shall see how he compares.

We pressed on, back up to the room with the towers, and after having spent the intervening nights comparing thoughts and observations, we thought we may have hit upon the answer to the rooms riddle. We tested the theory as soon as we got there and were proven right. The room existed in multiple different dimensions simultaneously and would randomly through you in one as you entered, this explained why our attacks were useless and we were so cut off from one another originally. We quickly formulated a plan of ducking in and out until we all had reached the same dimension and could cooperate.

While we had been spending time planning and readying, it seems the witches had done so as well, as now when we entered there happened to be the upper half of a zombified giantess taking up realty in the center of the room, thankfully she was trapped in a seperate dimension initially, which bought us enough precious seconds to down one which and wound another before they brought the giant into the fight.

With all of us working together and on the same level, the fight was over in moments, even with the giantess. We collected what we could and now we stand at the threshold to the main room of the tower, the cultists private sanctum. We prepare ourselves and steel our nerves for whatever lies on the other side of this door.

I seriously hate this messed up place

I seriously hat these messed up people

My so called “friends” are… gods, what is wrong with them. How could they be so… vicious, uncaring.

I will remember this day for a long time to come.

We made it to the sanctum sanctorum, the inner chamber, the final step and we stood before the cult of suckheads last effort to defeat us.

The remaining cultists stood before a wall of their pets, mind controlled abductees, children ranging from six to sixteen all aligned like a meat shield. I was frozen. These were the kids we were supposed to save, could still save! They hadn’t been tortured and defiled like the ones below, all we needed to do was sever the connection with the cultists and they would be free.

For the first time in a long time I thanked the gods that we got there in time, that the children were spared.

That was when Fortes’ blade sunk halfway to the hilt into a girl in her early teens.

The cosmic joke that was our lives reached is punchline.

It was a bloodbath, over in moments. I was helpless but to watch in horror as my colleagues butchered children indiscriminately, their only crime being in the path of the “Heroes” blades. We were supposed to save them.

I was supposed to save them.

I failed.



We are many days out from the tower. I finally feel able to write again, though even reliving that day in memory to put ink to paper causes my hand to shake in rage and my stomach to churn.

After they… dealt with the cultists thrall, they turned to the cultists themselves and showed them the same mercy. One fact I am grateful of. Only two escaped to my knowledge, which is far better than the dozen or so that we found and were able to destroy. It will be a long time before the Cult of the Third Moon will be able to gain footing in this area again.

We took what we could and departed the tower, not even bothering to stop by the mayor’s house to inform him of the results. We merely sent a letter saying that the cultists were dead, no more.

We’re on the road back to Whitecliff now, there seems to be a wagon up ahead on its side. Will write again after we investigate.

Never Again

Lords of Whitecliff Tzarchasem