Put that thing back where it came from or so help me!

Yay… Lighthammers. Stuck up, annoying, arrogant, prideful, pricks who think their shit don’t stick.

“Oh, I broke your cart full of expensive equipment? HA! Loser has to work, good luck telling the guard, daddy will just get us out of it.”

If I were to lock all the lighthammers in a room and give them the key they still wouldn’t be able to get out without daddy’s help, and now we’re stuck with one.

Some say he washes himself like a cat when no one is looking and that he only knows two facts about ducks… and they’re both wrong. All I know is, he’s called “Stig”.

So with the unwelcome addition, we set off on a new quest to some mountain thing. We ran in to more fish-orc, ugly mermaid things. Kelly went with one to talk to their leader to gain passage. Thank gods it was her and not Fortes or im sure we all would have been executed or something.

We ended up finding the witch. And a gator. Or was it a croc… which one had the pointy nose again? It was a big ass crocogator, allidile thing. Why cant we ever find a room of gem stones and tea cakes and cute stable boys questioning their love life under the oppressive rule of their parents, huh?

The fight raged on for nearly forever. I honestly dont remember what happened during most of it, the monotony so terrible. I think I may have wandered away out of boredom for a while to stare at a wall for want of something interesting. When I came back we had pretty much annihilated the witch and all her helpers. Not without loss of our own though.

Garnettgetter was slain in battle. I spent some moments payng my respects. The rogue had grown on me. His cheery disposition and never ending supply of wine were a blessing in the presence of the others. Luckily our paladin had a few divine ideas in place that let us temporarily but his body in stasis until we could find a way to return his spirit to the mortal plane.

We took anything of value off the witch and then moved back to some empty rooms to lick our wounds

We had only slept for a few hours before the moans started. Saddly they were not the happy moans of coitus bliss, but the unhappy moans of the recently deceased now not so… deceased. Zombies. It was zombies. We spread out from our separate rooms (Fortes’ being turned pink with a little magical help cause why the hell not?) and squared off against the undead.

Everything we had spent hours killing the day before was now attacking us again. We made sure to cut them all down and burn the bodies because fuck that I am not killing them a third time.

It was then the most horrid thing I’ve ever seen appeared. Words cannot describe the mockery of life in the puppet that crawled before us, fixed on us. We tried to burn the thing but it didnt even slow. I managed to capture enough of a memory to create a basic painting of it from memory. To those who may be reading this, dont open the next page if you are weak of heart.

Dont Say I didnt warn you


We managed to give the nightmare a slip, but for how long nobody knows

Journal entry # 76141

We are finally leaving this awful cave. I cannot be happier

After we rested and recuperated, we ventured further down into the depths until we came across another Witch-Hag. This one was older, and much nicer than the last few. She immeditately surrendered on sight to us and gave us her prisoner. I wanted to give it back but the rest of the group disagreed. It was another Lighthammer. Oh Joy.

Of course another Lighthammer. If I said it once I’ve said it a million times, they’re useless, cant do a thing without Daddy’s help. Cant even wipe their own ass from the smell of stick or whatever his name is.

The new one’s name is Hogran, his face looks like someone threw boiling water at a painting and let the oils run down half the frame. This is actually an improvement over the normal Lighthammer visage, which is that of their head firmly wedged between their buttocks.

I am willing to deal with this horrible turn of events (Two damn Lighthammers! I barely managed not to strangle just the one!) since it means we can return home and possible raise Garnettgetter.

We finally make it back to town and get some well deserved R&R. I go back to the forge because, well, why not? Not like I got anything else to do.

To be honest though, my hearts just not in it anymore. Discovering the true meaning for your existence and your destiny and realizing its not what you’ve been doing for twenty years does tend to weigh on you a bit. But work is work, and theres still nothing like honing a fine edge to steel to give you small amount of clarity to your thoughts.

We managed to find someone to raise Garrick, they said we did good to preserve his body the way we did or it would have been nearly impossible and he may have come back as a different person altogether. Small blessings I suppose.

We’ve been here for a few weeks, just getting back to normal and Fortes walks in to my shop, tells me Kelly sent him a message, we’ve got a new mission and we’re needed. He just left to go collect Surefine. Thank god we dont have to bring any of the Lighthammers along this time! Maybe we can even go to some major city or cultural hub. Im getting real tired of wading through swamps and caves, I want roast duck and fine wine and a nice theatre show!

Put that thing back where it came from or so help me!

Lords of Whitecliff Tzarchasem