The Peter Jackson Version

Been there and I am never going back again, the Tale of Kale

Whelp, new adventure, new journal. Besides, my old ones are all full of notes for my smithy or notes for which men to avoid.

Mother always said a warrior sharpened his sword, a wizard sharpened a quill… Yeah, its still dumb thirty years later, but i suppose somewhere to keep the oncoming days straight will be nice, hell, they may even make an interesting story for the guys at the tavern. So here goes

Day started off much like any other, woke up head pounding with afterimages of the night before, some(one? thing?) stirring under the covers next to me. They’ll show themselves out, I have work. An order had been placed at the smithys door, forty swords due to be delivered one months hence, wouldnt be any wild nights for a while it seemed, but in the middle of my day some upjumped messenger arrives with a letter from my mother of all people. The woman barely has time for me what with her secret cabals and teaching the favorite son Andy all the ways of some something or other. So I cleaned my work up, locked the door, and headed off to court.

Turns out I wasnt the only one called, the Rushmoor twins and the druid girl, Kelly came in not long after me… well two of them did, one of the twins, “Fortes” maybe? I dont know, never could keep them straigwhen I was babysitting them, either ht, even way one of them was dragged in by the militia in cuffs. We were then told that we were being packed off together to go investigate some backwoods raiding. I had not failed to notice that we were all of… less than high birth. Expendable. And, i might add, that no real efforts were being expended on this little excursion.

But without any further words, we were shown the city gate and the business end of the boot. Typical.

Will write more when I have something interesting to put to ink.

Dear Diary,

We’ve been riding for a while now, Kelly on her wolf (okay…?) and the rest on horseback. Still having a hard time not seeing this bunch still swaddled in cloth, wailing at all hours of the night. When approaching us from the other direction was some sort of farmer. meat and fat laden in an overburdened cart. He explained that he’d slaughtered all his livestock to have something, anything to sell before the goblins took it all and was moving out of the area. The rest of the group decided to let him pass in exchange for directions to the town. Im still not completely certain that he was entirely honest about those being “his” livestock. In all the confusion of a goblin raid, it wouldn’t be difficult to explain a few of your neighbors cattle missing, and some extra meat in your cellar. But I was outnumbered and outvoted, bah, children.

Then, of all things, we run into goblins with a cart full of meat of their own. Gods I hate this trip already. Kelly managed to haggle with them a bit and she got us a meeting with some goblin chief to try and end these messy raids quickly. If those were anything but goblins with rocks from brains, I would have been impressed.

We continued on a little further until we reached the a farmstead where we heard much shouting and not a few explosions. Rushing up we saw a few men waging war against a band of goblins. The first real chance to see how these kids really stood. Kelly bounded forward and helped heal one of the injured and then poked some things with what looked like a sewing needle, Fortes (the more strapping, if less cultured of the two brothers) went into a whirling dervish of death mode with significantly less death than desired while his brother “Darius” (the foul smelling, but nimble fingered one) did… Actually I cant quite recall what he did. Huh… And I, in my ever growing power… shot pretty lights from my hand. We made quite a team, until the Ogre showed up.

After much running around arms flailing, and one unfortunate smashing of a farm hand, the farmer raised his mighty staff, and with great fury turned the mighty ogre into a giant fluffy bunny. I learned two things right then. I must have that staff, and I must ride that bunny (I have named her generalissimo floppsy).

The farmers name is Merryl, and he’s a magician of sorts. He was very appreciative of our help and offered the group rooms in his barn to sleep for the night, He also offered me the use of his bathtub and bed should I be so inclined. Any port in a storm. And now I must be away to goose down bliss, while the rest of the merry band of uselessness sleeps on hay and rocks.

Deer Dairy,

I want them to find that bloody rabbit (who I have decided to call Dame Penelope Eustace Whitehead-Sneed) for me! I have to ride it into glorious battle, raining hellfire down from above, then at eye level, then from above again because that is how rabbits work.

The rushmoor twins went off to go look for it since they’re the better trackers, while myself and Kelly went off to the meeting with the goblins. We found the spot somewhat early, and were forced to pass the time chatting. I got the impression she wasn’t really listening to my detailed list of reasons as to why a Giant Rabbit would merit riding into battle so I changed topics. I dont think she liked hearing about my night any better.

The meeting with the goblins went fairly well all things considered, we brokered a deal where the goblins would stop raiding the farms and in exchange the farmers would be bent over a barrel and be forced to give up the exact same amount of food they would have lost had the raids continued. Wait… Meh, it was Kelly’s idea anyway.

The Rushmoor twins came back with some great news aswell, they found the ogres and even better, the rabbit! We are to set off immediately, just waiting for all the supplies to be loaded on to the horses.

Journal entry whatever number im on

Whelp, that sucked. We killed the ogres, that was fine, Fortes filled one with arrows, the other two were pricked to death by a combo of thorn bush things Kelly made and some more fireworks from me. Yet again I can not for the life of me recall what it was that Darius actually did… Oh well, im sure it was something.

We also found the rabbit (Who i am referring to as Captain Haremer) cowering in a corner, we were able to calm it and we planned to come back for it as we had more pressing matters, there was a passage way in the back of the room we needed to check out. Good thing we did too, because they were full of stirges, awful nasty things, Darius took a nasty blow from one, but we eventually cleared them out. We made to set up camp for the night but we would have to come back for it as we had more pressing matters, there was a passage way in the back of the room we needed to check out… I.. I needed to check out. This is the part that sucked.

I dont want to write it

Fine, I was eaten by slime

And paralyzed

And dissolved… alive

I dont really remember a whole lot after that part, woke up today, two days later, in the same cave.


Nevermind, this place is awesome. So after the slime thing that we will never mention again we found the tomb of some old dead dude. we had to cross a suspicious entry way to get there, Darius checked it out and found a pit trap full of spikes (it gets better) so a few of us jumped across, and (respectfully) looted the sarcophagus and jumped back across. All of us that is except for Darius who, instead of taking a running leap like the rest of us, decided to walk to the edge and then jump. He caught his leg on the stone and tumbled down directly on to a spike. So then his brother goes down to get him and HE falls, sadly not on a spike, but i dont imagine my laughter was any help to the situation either way. Long story short they both got out okay, and now they’re yelling about another passage further down and rats or something

Captains log, Stardate: Today?

So I’m back at Merryls, the rest of the group is off doing something, I dunno, im working with my rabbit (i’ve named him David Hasslehop). Got to have priorities. I have a couple days worth to catch up with.

First off, we went deeper into that cave and found a whole nest of giant rats, killed a few of them as we worked through the various rooms until as soon as we entered the last one a crossbow bolt shot out of the darkness and pinned me to the bloody door! I was not pleased, so I made kelly go in first. (by the way, when did she become the de facto leader of the group? Im fairly certain shes the youngest one here). The shooter turned out to be some crazy druid wererat lady thing who told us that the goblins were working for the ogres, who were in turn being controlled by a witch and that if we were to get her back some artifact of hers, she’d tell us where the witch was.

We agreed and set back out of the cave. As we were leaving we ran into Burl, one of the goblins from the meeting who told us about some dark tower. The others all wanted to check it out, i, being the only sensible one, decided to take my rabbit and go back to Merryls.

So thats where I am, back at the farm, working with the Rabbit and getting him accustomed to me.

Will write more later.

News on acquiring the staff: no luck so far

News on my War Bunny: Much progress has been made!

Not only have I decided to name her Samunmaks, but she will come when I call and even will run up to me when she sees me. It was not easy and not without its hardships

At first she was afraid of me and wouldn’t let me approach her, but after copious amounts of treats and lots of pretty magic (Am I ever glad that I decided to learn that pretidigitation spell now!) she finally would come closer and closer to snatch the treat and run away. Slowly after many hours I was able to coax her to come near me and let me pet her, but then Merryl had to come bounding out of the house in some big uproar and spooked her.

She jumped, kicked me square in the chest and bounded off for the back forty. I went flying and bounced off the side of the tool shed. I was more than cross with Merryl after that, but he made it up to me with a great big feast and he even went out of his way to buy several giant carrots from a fellow a little ways away as an apology.

Wouldn’t ya know it, that did the trick, she acted like she hadn’t ate anything in weeks. Ever since then she comes bounding up for a rub behind the ears. Now if only I could get her to let me ride her without being bucked over the top of Merryls house. Oh yeah, that has happened twice now.

A lot has happened these past two days.

First of all some Cleric and Paladin came riding up to Merryls late one night looking for the rest of the group. I told them they were a ways out and to spend the night, we could set out in the morning (I probably should meet up with them soon, don’t want to miss out on some nice treasure). The Cleric was another elf, female to boot, kinda stuck up though, I mean even more than me if that were possible! The Paladin though, Rick is his name, hes not so bad. Smart, strong, charming even. I wont lie, I may have coerced him into something not entirely in line with his oaths, not less than a few times over the past couple days. Come to think of it… that may explain what why all that went down the way it did, my bad… I’ll get to that in a bit.

So the three of us set out in the morning to meet up with the others at the dark tower that Burl pointed out. Its a few days away and it passes rather uneventfully, miss cleric is nothing but nosy and rude but Rick and I have a perfectly wonderful time passing the night, again, sorry Rick.

After a couple days though, we run into the others all running and screaming in terror (running, as in missing the horses they left with) at us, guess that makes me the Hero, saving the day, yet again. My those children to get themselves in trouble, what would they do without me. For instance, this time a giant ball of complete and utter darkness drops from the sky without any warning and begins to attack in great bouts of malice, the three were visibly shaken, this must have been what they were running from, not a good sign.

So there we are, attacking the darkness as best we can. Being a sorcerer of light, I cast plenty of magic missiles, which I choose to believe is what turned the tide in our favour. Also I shot rainbows at it… yes I certainly am a true mans man. Fortes was barely in any shape to fight and the other two were hardly any better. My self and the Cleridins (new term, im coining it here first, the jobs are essentially the same anyway) were fresher and helped to lay siege to the monster, but not without some casualties. All but my horse was slaughtered and then Rick ran charging at the beast, but then, as if his God had completely abandoned him, perhaps due to him breaking his oaths numerous times in the span of three days, was sapped of his strength. The beast caught him with one taloned claw and tore through Ricks armor like paper, killing him on the spot.

Umm… Oops.

But after several tense minutes of heavy fighting, the beast lay slain still concealed in its globe of darkness.

We loaded Rick back on to my horse with myself and Kelly hitched a ride for a bit too since she was the only one light enough to not overburden the poor horse, at least until her wolf showed up again.

I also may have re-purposed a few of Ricks earthly possessions, its what I choose to believe he would have wanted in my extremely brief but completely biased time knowing him.

So get this, we were almost a days ride out from Merryls when the Necromancer the rest of the group pissed off shows up standing in the middle of the road with Burl tied up next to him. Turns out the Darkness thing was his pet or something and the tower is his home. He started droning about how we were invading his land and that we had no authority. Now I wanted to just set the little jagov on fire and walk away, but I knew Kelly would want to take things more civil so I began to try to reason with him.

Then Kelly through a thunderstone at his feet and all hell broke loose. Well, some hell broke loose, mainly from us at him in the form of his untimely death. Then we cut his head off, and set everything on fire just in case. Everyones heard the story of Pellagrim the Pale, especially when your mother is the one who helped kill him. Its always “I didnt kill pellagrim the pale so you could skip washing the dishes” or “If I can kill pellagrim the pale, you can pay attention in your classes, or do you want to reenact it with this wooden spoon?”. You can never be to careful with necromancers is my point, same goes for my mother.

After that it should be a quiet ride back to Merryls.

We had a quiet ride back to Merryls, until he came running up screaming about my rabbit. He’d been keeping it in the barn while I was away and the thing got out, took half the barn with him. Odds are Mr. McGregor was bringing out his giant carrots again and got too close to Merryls fence line. This happened last time, but the look on Mr. McGregors face was worth every copper.

We rested for a few days, and I worked with my rabbit (who i’ve taken to calling The Hopaganda Machine) while we sent to get some horses, which were delivered exceptionally faster than expected for reasons I still do not quite understand.

After that we ventured back to the tower as a group now. There we found a zombie ogre, the same ogres we had already killed back at the caves it turned out, and some human zombies. With all five of us we made quick work of them all and cleaned out the tower of any remaining valuables.

I must confess, were it not for its extremely private location and us being in the middle of our current mission I wouldn’t mind claiming this tower as a home base of sorts while we operate out here.

Tomorrow we set off to search the first of the ogre camps for their chief, as he is the one who holds what the rat lady needs. Hopefully all goes well, but I know it wont, lets be honest.

Most of the preceding events I dont really remember so well, so I stole Garnettgetters journal when he wasn’t looking for reference, let me tell ya, his writing is just as energetic as he is, and covered in what I dearly hope are wine stains…

It was a dark and stormy night…

Well it was day, and a sunny one at that, not a cloud in the sky… But it was still a dark and stormy night okay? My journal, my descriptions!

Anyway, a lot has transpired since my last entry, so much so in fact I may have to split this in to separate sections due to time. And most important; I was wrong about the dream all those years ago… I understand it now. But that is for later, So lets begin where we left off.

Our merry band of extremely lucky but entirely useless oafs stumbled out of the necromancers tower and began on our trek to meet up with some traveling trader. Kelly’s mother sent some bird messenger. We were to collect another member for our lackluster quest. So away we went until, a few days later, we came upon the trader, and a rather large ogress wrestling with several men in some sort of prize fight. She won. We spoke with the trader who informed me he was “Selling these fine leather jackets”, of course I had to get one. Turns out the pockets were half filled with broken colored eggs, but otherwise not bad.

Before long Kelly’s super creepy brother appeared in the clearing (with a necklace of ears for some reason) with my worst possible nightmare. A Garnettgetter. Its bad enough that sorry excuse of a mage set himself up a “school” (Twelve hells, even thaumaturgists turn their noses up at illusionists) but now I had to buddy up with them. After a few words exchanged with the ogress about where the chieftain might be (and explicit instructions to not hurt her cousin) we set off minus Kelly’s creepy brother (Sorry excuse of a mage, blemish on the names of sorcerers everywhere) and Darius decided he wasn’t going to be coming with us any longer. Too many jokes about his smell and his inability to do anything more than fall down holes on to spikes. Sokay, don’t really remember him being all that useful anyway, and for better or worse, the garnettgetter kid was just as trained, if not better, at the art of falling down holes on to spikes. Rogue… I mean rogue…

And with that, we set off.

Now we knew where the chief would be to take him out and get all we need and end this bloody tirade… so obviously we went to the other one to see if they had any shiny things and get the half-stack wet behind the ears.

The whole way there he did nothing but sing songs and tell the absolute worst jokes possible. For instance “Why did the displacer beast cross the road? Because he was already on the other side!” See what I mean? On the bright side, he had a sizable stock of fine wine, and unlike Darius, believed that the greatest enjoyment from drink came from sharing.

We eventually came upon a great cave, naturally we sent the newbie in on his own to see what would happen. After a while of hearing nothing from him we noticed a couple goblins riding mounts coming straight for us. Admittedly they were dealt with swiftly, I even got to shoot more rainbows! It was right about then that the newbie came running out trailing extra goblins who were, again, swiftly dispatched.

We figured to head on in and followed Garnettgetters lead as to a large cliff with a metal basket hanging on the far side. While trying to find a way across to the control room of the basket, the two munchkins have the bright idea of climbing along the precarious wall, even better than that, Kelly decides to pull out a torch and nearly gets speared by a bolt from a ballista. Chaos ensues as some “dancing lights” show us a large group of goblins and two ballista on the opposite wall.

That’s when it happened. That is where I discovered the true meaning of the vision. I needed a way to get across that cavernous abyss when I remembered a spell I had learned not too long ago. A great flourish of power overcame me as my arms grew to great lengths and membrane sprouted wings. I had become a harpy. I had changed myself, my very being. A world as I had never known suddenly appeared before me as I considered the impossible possibilities now set before me. I could become anything. Anyone. That formless mas wasn’t the unshaped essence of metal to be worked by hands. It was me. I was the unshapen void, many forms and no form.

But I had more pressing matters than a life altering revelation, I had goblins to deal with. I dug my new talons into the gnome and took off across the gap, catapulting him into the first ballista and carried myself on to dive bomb the second group. (Note to self, make sure to utilize the gnomapult™ maneuver to great effect in the future). In my new form I could still cast, and made sure to do so liberally until I heard a great noise erupt from the other cove where several goblins went flying out into the dark abyss and tumble down followed by a burlap sack full of sticks in the shape of a griffon speeding out of the cave.

It was about that time that the ogre threw an empty cage at my head. I dove back out of the way and it jumped after me! It even managed to get a grab on my taloned leg but I was able to rake his eyes and he lost his grip, thank the gods. The rest of the goblins were made short work of and we regrouped with the others for a moments respite before venturing further into the cave.

Today was a great day.

Aside from the whole finding the meaning to my life thing, I tricked the rest of the party in to carrying me around. So I’m going around as a harpy bad-ass like I am as we explore the cave network when I sense a secret entry way off to the side, thats when an idea strikes. I point out the door and go open it, but when I do, I fake like i’ve been poisoned and pretend to get knocked out. They totally bought it. Free ride for the next few hours goes to me! Also, something happened where Kelly turned in to a whirling dervish of death and apparently a bear at one point. Not super happy about that. Shape shifting is supposed to be my new life changing ability, not hers.

Anyway, its about time I pretend to come out of my “coma”. Its been quite relaxing if I do say so myself

If Fortes doesn’t get us all killed I swear I will kill him myself.

So we venture up to this cave of this super evil witch chick or something and take down a few guards, nothing doing (one did have an imp that flew off with some orders, that may bite us in the ass…) and I happen upon a brilliant idea. I disguise myself as one of the guards, a wizard covered in some magic items, has to be important, and we set off into the tunnel. I want to go on record as saying that not a single objection was raised to this plan by any party member at any point, not that I screwed anything up, in fact I single-handedly talked our way out of what was most likely a fight that would take at least half us out and raise every alarm in the building.

We continued down the corridor and past rows and rows of sickly griffons and manticores and quite healthy but incredibly horrifying evil crossbreeds of the aforementioned. Finally we come to the bottom of the cave structure and find the evil witch lady person in her sanctum sanctorum, surrounded by guards. I tried everything I could do get a private audience with her, managing only to get a wall of water surrounding her, her right hand guard and us when Fortes gets the brilliant idea of trying to negotiate with her. Chief Mates-with-wolves over there goes on a philosophical and ethical rant about how this is White Cliffs land and she needs to stop AFTER she has expressed that her ancestors were here first and she believes that the land is rightfully hers.

The damned fool demands she leave! What the hell kind of negotiation is that? I swear the man has no tact, I never though I’d find myself wishing for his brother, at least he might have been able to ply her with wine or something! Anything at all would have been better than Fortes’ fool-errant attempt at speaking. I have half a mind to weld his mouth shut from here on out.

Dear Journal, this part is simply too epic just to write about, so I will leave it up the bards who have begun to sing the tale far and wide across the kingdoms!

The Ballad of Kale

Well, after the rest of the group had their asses handed to them and they ran way with their tails between their legs, we met up at Marryl’s homestead and set a message off to Kelly’s mom about the events. She sent us one back telling us to stay put and they were on they’re way with an army to clear out the caverns. Huzzah!

While waiting one night, Fortes gets a brilliant idea to wander out in the darkness and gets himself caught by an Giant… A freaking Giant. And he’s supposed to be good at killing these things. Nope, get gets his ass handed to him yet again. Eventually he wisens up and sends his wolf to come get us and we get there in the nick of time to save his life and distract the Giant. Thankfully Kelly’s old mentor Jack McVeryrudeguy (more creative name to be added) joined us out of nowhere and felled the thing.

He exchanged words with Kelly, made fun of Fortes with us and then disappeared off in to the night. A few days later an army shows up and hands us new orders for a new mission. I just want to go home.
Yay… Lighthammers. Stuck up, annoying, arrogant, prideful, pricks who think their shit don’t stick.

“Oh, I broke your cart full of expensive equipment? HA! Loser has to work, good luck telling the guard, daddy will just get us out of it.”

If I were to lock all the lighthammers in a room and give them the key they still wouldn’t be able to get out without daddy’s help, and now we’re stuck with one.

Some say he washes himself like a cat when no one is looking and that he only knows two facts about ducks… and they’re both wrong. All I know is, he’s called “Stig”.

So with the unwelcome addition, we set off on a new quest to some mountain thing. We ran in to more fish-orc, ugly mermaid things. Kelly went with one to talk to their leader to gain passage. Thank gods it was her and not Fortes or im sure we all would have been executed or something.

We ended up finding the witch. And a gator. Or was it a croc… which one had the pointy nose again? It was a big ass crocogator, allidile thing. Why cant we ever find a room of gem stones and tea cakes and cute stable boys questioning their love life under the oppressive rule of their parents, huh?

The fight raged on for nearly forever. I honestly dont remember what happened during most of it, the monotony so terrible. I think I may have wandered away out of boredom for a while to stare at a wall for want of something interesting. When I came back we had pretty much annihilated the witch and all her helpers. Not without loss of our own though.

Garnettgetter was slain in battle. I spent some moments payng my respects. The rogue had grown on me. His cheery disposition and never ending supply of wine were a blessing in the presence of the others. Luckily our paladin had a few divine ideas in place that let us temporarily but his body in stasis until we could find a way to return his spirit to the mortal plane.

We took anything of value off the witch and then moved back to some empty rooms to lick our wounds

We had only slept for a few hours before the moans started. Saddly they were not the happy moans of coitus bliss, but the unhappy moans of the recently deceased now not so… deceased. Zombies. It was zombies. We spread out from our separate rooms (Fortes’ being turned pink with a little magical help cause why the hell not?) and squared off against the undead.

Everything we had spent hours killing the day before was now attacking us again. We made sure to cut them all down and burn the bodies because fuck that I am not killing them a third time.

It was then the most horrid thing I’ve ever seen appeared. Words cannot describe the mockery of life in the puppet that crawled before us, fixed on us. We tried to burn the thing but it didnt even slow. I managed to capture enough of a memory to create a basic painting of it from memory. To those who may be reading this, dont open the next page if you are weak of heart.

Dont Say I didnt warn you


We managed to give the nightmare a slip, but for how long nobody knows

Journal entry # 76141

We are finally leaving this awful cave. I cannot be happier

After we rested and recuperated, we ventured further down into the depths until we came across another Witch-Hag. This one was older, and much nicer than the last few. She immeditately surrendered on sight to us and gave us her prisoner. I wanted to give it back but the rest of the group disagreed. It was another Lighthammer. Oh Joy.

Of course another Lighthammer. If I said it once I’ve said it a million times, they’re useless, cant do a thing without Daddy’s help. Cant even wipe their own ass from the smell of stick or whatever his name is.

The new one’s name is Hogran, his face looks like someone threw boiling water at a painting and let the oils run down half the frame. This is actually an improvement over the normal Lighthammer visage, which is that of their head firmly wedged between their buttocks.

I am willing to deal with this horrible turn of events (Two damn Lighthammers! I barely managed not to strangle just the one!) since it means we can return home and possible raise Garnettgetter.

We finally make it back to town and get some well deserved R&R. I go back to the forge because, well, why not? Not like I got anything else to do.

To be honest though, my hearts just not in it anymore. Discovering the true meaning for your existence and your destiny and realizing its not what you’ve been doing for twenty years does tend to weigh on you a bit. But work is work, and theres still nothing like honing a fine edge to steel to give you small amount of clarity to your thoughts.

We managed to find someone to raise Garrick, they said we did good to preserve his body the way we did or it would have been nearly impossible and he may have come back as a different person altogether. Small blessings I suppose.

We’ve been here for a few weeks, just getting back to normal and Fortes walks in to my shop, tells me Kelly sent him a message, we’ve got a new mission and we’re needed. He just left to go collect Surefine. Thank god we dont have to bring any of the Lighthammers along this time! Maybe we can even go to some major city or cultural hub. Im getting real tired of wading through swamps and caves, I want roast duck and fine wine and a nice theatre show!

So if its not bad enough that we’ve been sent to some Podunk town on the edge of nowhere by Kelly’s hippie mom, she sent the uppity light hammer too! Lovely, I had hopped we had gotten rid of them for good.

We find the mayors house and talk to some annoying guards, were about to get in when no other than Kelly starts climbing the walls and actively trying to piss them off! We finally managed to get her down and talk to the mayor who tells us that kids have gone missing on some cultists favorite night, but to ask some other old bag for more info, which is exactly what we do

The old lady explains that these cultists take the kids on the 3rd moon, whatever that is, and that there is another such event coming up in a few says time.

We plan our steps and on the day we fan out and scout the areas of the town and a few of us watching the creepy tower on the hill where the cultists are supposed to be. We remain vigilant to any activity and we wait

Kids gone missing, we missed it. Were just the best!

We sense some activity at the tower and we gather there as fast as we can. Three outlying houses hold a few baddies, but nothing we can’t handle. We knock those over and rush to the tower itself.

As soon as we get inside the gates the world that was at about daybreak goes dark and a legit third moon appears overhead, go figure. We carefully enter the tower and see no less than four people surrounding a creepy pool with the missing kids body floating in some strange liquid. Talk lasts for all of half a minute thanks once again to Fortes and the fight breaks out

swords swing, arms flash, fireballs burst and rainbows explode everywhere when we finally down the last hag woman when their boys crumble and a ghostly apparition drifts to the top of the tower… So yeah, that happened

I’m getting real tired of these Mutha Fuckin Vampires in the Mutha Fuckin Creepy Towers!

To whom it may concern,

This may be my last entry, for a I feel I may not be long for this mortal coil. I simply am laughing too hard, I fear I may die of hilarity.

Perhaps I should explain the joke.

After the ghost witch vampire chicks turn in to more ghostly ghosts. We grab the kid and duck out, figuring that we can come back when its bright out and gain an edge, couple that with Kelly running a cross country marathon to pick up some sliver sheen to cover Fortes’ blade with so he can really penetrate those coven girls bodies. And lets be honest, he needs all the help he can get in that department.

So imagine the fit of laughter I enjoyed when, in broad daylight, the sky turned pitch black, a voice shrieked and a third moon appeared as soon as we crossed the tower’s threshold.

Then, as soon as we get in, the room fills with fog and explosions come out of nowhere. At this point im just grinning like a fool.

Kelly high tails it out of here and from what I gathered after, she had a little party with a pack of angry wolves. While everybody else is trying to make it through this room. Oh, boy this room. So they greased the stairs, they covered the ground in some sticky tar or webbing stuff and then there are these pillars that shoot fireballs. I cant even fight im laughing so hard. You see, I finally get it now. This is all some big cosmic joke. The gods are pulling a prank and we’re the butt end of it, and I finally get it, its finally funny. Some might say im losing it, and that garnettgetter’s wine went bad in that pocket dimenson and its going to my head, but I’m going with universe’s play things theory.

How else would you explain the ridiculous situation we were thrown in/ Even when we plan something goes awry… though it was Fortes’ plan, and that really should have been the first clue it wasnt going to work.

Well, we survived… somehow. Still funny though

We met back up with Kelly. She tried to yell something about a bedroom but I wasn’t listening, I had just found a beautiful looking personal quarters for myself. I shall be claiming it as my own once we finish up here. Its got a great view and wonderful furnishings.

We ventured a little was further into the spooky tower and found a few more vamps. I think I heard some badass ninja call them suckheads once. I like that term. We killed a few more suckheads and then came toe to toe with grand daddy of dungeon crawls himself.

A Beholder.

Dude was a chump sandwich. Took him down without even one of us getting turned to stone, I didnt even have to help kill the thing, I just stood back and watched them cleave right through it like it was a pinata. What a joke, was really hoping one of the Lighthammers would follow in Daddy’s footsteps. Oh well, these next halls look more promising, I may even decide to lend a hand.

Dear diary, I did something kinda embarrassing

So, remember how I was going on about laughing and not helping. Well, I guess no one else was laughing. They were all kinda being shot and blown up and eaten and stuff and by the time I realized that they wouldnt find it as funny as me, it was kinda past the point of no return. On top of that, because I was hanging so far back, they had forgotten that I was with them, which would explain why no one was talking to me. While pondering how to break the news I walked by an open window, and, to avoid dealing with the consequences and fallout from the group for just laughing at their suffering, I jumped out.

Dont get me wrong, Im not crazy, I just turned into an eagle and flew down to the ground. I figured I’d just tell them I was scouting around outside the whole time, they’d buy that, right? But that would mean I would have to walk all the way through the whole tower again, thats when something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye, some cracks in the wall behind some bushes. I cleared the plants away and found a nice sturdy looking door blended in to the wall, a back entrance! Not only would I get off scot-free for not helping, but I would also be helping so I would actually profit from it! Go me!

Naturally with my luck, the door was locked and as I started knocking I heard the screams and fear of the rest of the group inside.

I’ll be honest, I may have snickered a little bit before they let me in.

Oh, and get this, the ghosts they were fighting (which I really dont want to talk about) seemed to enjoy snacking on Fortes’ intelligence. Poor things must have left starving, but what they did manage to take turned the normally double digit IQ to plummet to single digit. He literally tried to headbutt the ghosts to make them go away… twice.

Oh the laughs shared at his expense.

Dear Diary,

This place is messed up.

After helping the others clear out the remaining ghosts-of-dead-boys-upper-torso’s-that-had-ripped-in-half (Dear brain, wont need any new dreams for a while, im pretty sure i’ll never sleep soundly again, thanks), we came across another abomination. Some sort of half eaten away zombie of a little child, if I had to guess I’d say a boy, but it was too decayed to really tell, and it was surrounded by the rotting and putrefied remains of other children, also half eaten. “Eaten by what?” you may ask, well lucky for you we found out. Giant ass millipede things with razor sharp teeth.

Seriously, fuck this tower.

After dispatching the crawlers and the ghosts and the zombie horror thing, we rested briefly before venturing on word to further confusion, frustration and despair.

We work our way all the way into some big room with lots of little moon window things lining the sides and several cultist bitches… I mean witches… standing guarding the door to the rest of the tower. Obviously Fortes goes charging right in without bothering to stop and look around and Surefine isnt far behind him. I swear, if you slammed the two of them together you might have enough brains to outwit a child, as long as you were distracting the child.

So they go charging in, and Kelly, bless her heart, takes a half a second longer before going in. At least Hogren bothered to look around first. As they all are entering, Im watching look confused and take swings through the witches that seem to pass through harmlessly. Smelling something fishy I preferred to stand outside the threshold and fire from outside, didnt want to get caught in the same trap as all of them.

Things then went from bad to worse and then all the way to catastrophic as they big hitters start slowing down, getting overwhelmed. Kelly tries to help and my shots are having little to no effect. Suddenly, Kelly goes down out of nowhere. I rush in to try and save her but as soon as I do half the people in the room turn in to shadows, including Kelly, even worse, one of the witches wasnt. I fire off a few shots but another witch comes in to focus and, knowing when Im outmatched, I have to withdraw, the others follow suit shortly after. Kelly didnt.

One of them was able to grab Kelly’s body and drag it out, but her last breath had passed on. We high tailed it out of there and sent word to Kelly’s mother in tree town along with her body to see if maybe she could be raised like Garnettgetter was.

Now we wait to hear back, the mood is somber amongst the group. No one wants to be the first to speak. Surefine and Hogran spend time praying, Fortes is just sitting, polishing his swords and making sure to coat every inch in the remaining silversheen. Not even Garrick, despite his usual joviality, seems willing to uncork his wine this night

Who would have thought the little halfling from the woods would have such an impact on us all.

A new day breaks over our group as we receive word from Treetown. Some political servant, Hassan is his name, came with the news. I remember seeing him around Whitecliff amongst the different higher ups, though what his position is I cant remember, but it cant have been nice given his demeanor.

He told us that they had tried to contact Kelly in the afterlife to bring her back, but she had refused, instead having found solace and peace in her eternal rest. Hassan was tasked to aid us in her stead, we shall see how he compares.

We pressed on, back up to the room with the towers, and after having spent the intervening nights comparing thoughts and observations, we thought we may have hit upon the answer to the rooms riddle. We tested the theory as soon as we got there and were proven right. The room existed in multiple different dimensions simultaneously and would randomly through you in one as you entered, this explained why our attacks were useless and we were so cut off from one another originally. We quickly formulated a plan of ducking in and out until we all had reached the same dimension and could cooperate.

While we had been spending time planning and readying, it seems the witches had done so as well, as now when we entered there happened to be the upper half of a zombified giantess taking up realty in the center of the room, thankfully she was trapped in a seperate dimension initially, which bought us enough precious seconds to down one which and wound another before they brought the giant into the fight.

With all of us working together and on the same level, the fight was over in moments, even with the giantess. We collected what we could and now we stand at the threshold to the main room of the tower, the cultists private sanctum. We prepare ourselves and steel our nerves for whatever lies on the other side of this door.

I seriously hate this messed up place

I seriously hat these messed up people

My so called “friends” are… gods, what is wrong with them. How could they be so… vicious, uncaring.

I will remember this day for a long time to come.

We made it to the sanctum sanctorum, the inner chamber, the final step and we stood before the cult of suckheads last effort to defeat us.

The remaining cultists stood before a wall of their pets, mind controlled abductees, children ranging from six to sixteen all aligned like a meat shield. I was frozen. These were the kids we were supposed to save, could still save! They hadn’t been tortured and defiled like the ones below, all we needed to do was sever the connection with the cultists and they would be free.

For the first time in a long time I thanked the gods that we got there in time, that the children were spared.

That was when Fortes’ blade sunk halfway to the hilt into a girl in her early teens.

The cosmic joke that was our lives reached is punchline.

It was a bloodbath, over in moments. I was helpless but to watch in horror as my colleagues butchered children indiscriminately, their only crime being in the path of the “Heroes” blades. We were supposed to save them.

I was supposed to save them.

I failed.



We are many days out from the tower. I finally feel able to write again, though even reliving that day in memory to put ink to paper causes my hand to shake in rage and my stomach to churn.

After they… dealt with the cultists thrall, they turned to the cultists themselves and showed them the same mercy. One fact I am grateful of. Only two escaped to my knowledge, which is far better than the dozen or so that we found and were able to destroy. It will be a long time before the Cult of the Third Moon will be able to gain footing in this area again.

We took what we could and departed the tower, not even bothering to stop by the mayor’s house to inform him of the results. We merely sent a letter saying that the cultists were dead, no more.

We’re on the road back to Whitecliff now, there seems to be a wagon up ahead on its side. Will write again after we investigate.

We traveled to the overturned wagon and found a bunch of goblins surrounding it, raiding it. For a few coins we managed to get some info about a group of raiders who were attacking anybody trying to bring trade in to whitecliff, effectively putting a stranglehold on the city.

Yeah, thats not so okay with us since we live there and our familes our there and all that fun stuff.

Fortes and Garrick go ahead to scout out the forest while we hang back a little ways so we dont disturb anything they may sneak across. Turns out that wasn’t really necessary as the two come sprinting back at us screaming something about a talking ball of darkness. Spectacular.

The beast crashlands right in the middle of the clearing we’re standing in and tackles Garrick almost immediately. Finally being out in the open I can push my new talents to their full ability. I let my new power course through me, feel the pressure and electric tingling over my skin as it begins to change color and morph. I am become Dragon, destroyer of towns.

I launch myself at the creature, trapping it beneath my powerful new limbs, digging my claws into its flesh, roaring, demanding its death as I squeeze the air from its lungs and snap at its exposed neck. Still it does not release Garrick, its grip is too secure. If only the gnome would find a way to escape I could kill the damned thing in a moments notice, but with him trapped as he is, I am forced to endure the beasts attacks against me, hoping that it will run out of air before I run out of blood.

Garrick finally gives up struggling and instead aligns himself to make a powerful jab into the bests exposed belly. This is push over the edge it needed, its last gasps leave its lungs as it succumbs to the pain.

I am battered, blood and weary, and I see the bodies of at least a score of men charging the hill to our location. The fight is far from over, and gods only know what else lies in wait.

The raiders surrounded us, archers flanking our side and fighters charging our front. They even had a mage and a healer lending support. I was stuck in my dragon form, its hide stronger by far than the clothing of my normal form, but I had no access to my spells, I could not lend aid that way, I returned to my claws and teeth to lay what waste I was able.

The archers pelting arrows and bolts did little to my scales, especially after Hogren and Surefine lended their divine magics to our aide, inspiring great courage with their valor. I place our survival that day to their aide, and mine doubly so to Hogren for healing some of my wounds in the heat of battle, despite coming under heavy attack in doing so.

The enemy mage dropped a sphere of silence right on top of us, rendering any tactics or help useless, but in the battle fury it mattered little, the chaos of the fight was enough to push us on.

One by one they began to fall to our attacks, Fortes jumping in and out of their lines to deliver cutting blows at opportune moments, and Hogren stood like a wall of metal, impervious to any attack that swung his way. To my own credit I felled a number and took great joy when I was able to turn my attention to the pesky archers.

The moment was short lived though, as like with the beast, as soon as we had defeated them, a new threat arose. A giant with a Basilisk on a leash. I had only ever read about them before, but there was no mistaking the creature, its eyes alone would have given it away, thank the gods I had the forethought to burrow beneath the earth before it first showed up or I would have been directly in the path of its gaze and would be a statue before I even knew there was danger.

It was a mercy that the Ogre took as long as it did to reach us, as without his friends, it was a matter of merely Hogren, who he decided to chase, run around in a circle while the rest of us pelted him with arrows, spells and whatever else we had available. I was even able to return to my elven form to unleash the full might of my spells on both of the foul creatures.

The giant of a creature was no halfwit though, I used its great leash to lash out a Hogren, tripping him, but thinking tactically, Hogren rolled the fall, and made sure to land face down, leaving him defenseless to the Ogre, but protected from the Basilisk’s gaze. WIth our combined might we were able to kill the Basilisk and drive the Ogre to flee, in to the waiting blades of Jack McVeryrudeperson (still need to get his full name) who separated the ogre from his organs and his head from his body.

Jack was there, he said, to help in clearing out the raiders, but also to pass on a message. Brom Lighthammer, long sick, had finally fallen. The despair on the brothers’ faces was plain to all.

We took the time to investigate the campsite of the raiders and heal up, I turned myself into the form of the same flying creature of shadows that we had felled earlier to scout out the immediate area, in case there were more patrols or camps of raiders near-by and marked them on a map upon my return.

We now hurry back to Whitecliff, both the deliver news of the raiders, and to attend to the news we received from Jack about Brom Lighthammer. There is little time for delay.

And, once we return, I will seek out the council. There are some things I need to discuss with them that need to be addressed.

Journal entry number this one:

We trudged back through the harsh blizzard snow to the road, the thoughts of the tower still laying heavily on my mind.

I wrestle with my concious over what to do. Part of me wishes to let it go, hope that it was a mistake and that it wont happen again, but I know its not. Another part of me says that I must take some action, something must be done so those children may not go unanswered for. Lately though a new voice has begun to pipe up with a new idea, to simply enact the vengeance myself. A horrid idea, absolutely, but one that I’ll admit, does have some nice imagination to it.

I didnt get long to think however as halfway back to Whitecliff we heard the rapid beating of hooves through the sheet of white around us. Hassan, being the most equipped to escape should there be trouble, elected to stay on the road and greet the approachers while the rest of us moved off into the forest to wait and see, and ambush if need be.

Thankfully, an ambush was not necessary, it was a Lighthammer, one of Hogrin’s brothers and a complement of Paladins alongside of him. They were on their way to meet with us with dire news. Not only had Brom passed, but an enemy of Whitecliff (one we are still not sure to which faction they belong) has decided that this moment of weakness was enough of an opportunity to stage a full scale attack.

We quickly reformed and joined with the Paladins and flew with great haste (thanks in part to a hand spell that Hogrin seemed to have had this whole time but didnt care about using on the rest of us until he needed our help… jerk) back to Whitecliff. Its not long on the road before we begin to see the first signs of the battle. Bodies of orcs, goblins, men and ogres litter the road and the ditches, and pieces of dozens more, unidentifiable in the blizzard make the ice that much more slick with the gore. Some of us ride on, stone face to the horror we see before us, nothing can compare to what we’ve recently been through, while some of the others, notably the newly initiated paladins, grow uncomfortable and green to the wanton barbarism they’ve waded through twice now. The air grows heavy with the scent of fresh blood and fire, we must be drawing close now.

Journal Entry: Continued

The sounds of fighting and clashing of steel grows quickly as we press on closer. Through the snow we catch glimpses of men and orcs in pitched battle around us, we even trample on through a few fights, trying to aim away from the Whitecliff colors a best we can on the packed snow and ice.

All at once the sounds rush in louder than before, all around us, and we know we’ve entered the edge of the real fight, no longer rushing through the outskirts and petty skirmishes. Before us stands a solid wall of enemies, both Orc and Man, all staring directly at us. The Paladins form ranks behind us and hold off any would be attackers from flanking us, but that still leaves two score that are steadily advancing on us.

We flare out, to try and catch as many as we can, slowly picking them off here or there as we can. I fire off a few missiles and we clear out a small gap in the middle of their group. Seeing the opening, we push on and funnel through them, the Paladins closing in behind us and fending off the attacks as we push on to another wall of enemies.

Again we flare out as before, and I go wide to the right, having caught more than a few barbed arrows from the last group, I want as little of that as possible again. We ready our weapons as we rush in to the fray, but a scream from behind us gives me pause. One of the Paladins was struck a harmful blow, nothing to keep him from fighting, but enough that I still fear he may never recover fully from. This pulls me from my reverie and lights a fire in us all. We’re not just wading through another mob of baddies to take our time with, there were very real people depending on us, ones that were protecting our backs and were needed to keep the city safe, keep the innocents safe, keep the children safe.

I will not let more children die

This is the mantra that pushes me on. The words form as soon as I see it, a long line of their army stretched out before me. At once the world goes bright as a solid beam of every color flares from my open palm and burns through the core of half of the attackers. Force itself punches a hole through, acid sears the edges, ice sets the wound, fire turns it to ash and lighting ignites the newly opened nerves as each one falls limp from pain, slipping to death sooner than they deserve.

I dont bother to wait for the rest of the group as I push onward to the next group blocking our path. The rest of the group is just as fed up as I am at this point and two explosions of fire rip through the enemy ranks and scatter them to the forests as burnt offerings to the god of slaughter, so uncaring are our efforts. Our only aim is to make it home, to protect whats left of our world.

In the distance we feel a steady “whump… clunk… swiff… whump…” and can only begin to worry, but even that we are forced to set aside as we are again set upon by twenty odd soldiers holding up our advance. We would have happily dealt with them as swiftly and mercilessly as the others were it not for the giants in our path. This forced us to slow, as we had to set a fireball, several dismemberment and lighting rods to various orifices in meticulous manner before we could pass on. An extra fifteen seconds to our record was added, and we moved on through the hole in their defenses, the Paladins still ever on our back, fending off any who would dare nip at our heels.

Still the earth shakes at its steady rhythm and as we crest the rise we see why. A siege engine of massive size sits atop a flat hill, firing boulders of incredibly size at the ramparts and walls of they city. The trebuchet is massive, large enough for six men to stand abreast comfortable, and there are nearly that many riding atop it now, with two giants to pull and operate the machine.

Seeing as this will be a somewhat more difficult task to deal with, and with the Paladins occupied holding off the stragglers left behind from our frenzied spearhead push, we pull out what remaining power we have to topple the weapon of war.

Fortes immediately dashed towards the giants and faces them head on, ignited by his hatred for their kind, while Hogrin doubles around to the other side and hunkers down in his armor to take on the ground forces. Hassan, Surefine and the youngest Lighthammer fire spells off left and right to try and pick off any troublesome enemies and I… I decide to let it all loose and turn myself into a Hydra. Eight heads is eight times the pain I can inflict.

Wriggling, snapping and tearing into the giants, men and orcs alike I help out where I can, and even pull one or two archers from atop the trebuchet as we slowly drop their numbers and land critical strikes at key parts of the siege engine until only one last piece remained to be broken.

The main gear to the drawback lever fit snugly atop the bow of the machine. Garrick saw the opportunity and scrambled up the side of the trebuchet… and slipped off.

So he jumped back up and on and… fell to the ground as his hand grabbed ice.

One more time Garrick jumps! And one more time falls flat on his ass.

Finally on his fourth attempt he makes it on to the wood frame without falling, only to have to square off against the four remaining enemy archers. Hogrin then swoops in to save the day with a brilliant blessing as he rockets into the air and falls gracefully on to the opposite side of the engine from Garrick… Just in time for Garrick to slip past the archers and cut the restraining cord on the gears, sending them flying and bringing the entire siege engine toppling down right on top of Hogrin.

I swear I heard a soft “Seriously? Oh gods dammit!” as he just grabbed the frame of the machine and fell with it, rolling as he hit the ground and pushing himself up from under a pile of massive wooden frames.

A few of the enemy remained, but they were swiftly dealt with.

As we labored to catch our collective breath, we again felt the tremors in the earth, the shaking and bellowing. Confusion rang out as we were all pretty sure we destroyed the trebuchet right in front of us. As the long, sickly appendage slammed into the earth in front of us and lifted forth the shambling body of some cyclopean monstrosity, there played a silent dread far louder and more pressing than the demoralizing roar of the creature before us.

To be continued…


Unfurling from from the snow blanketed west through to the clouded east rose a writing mass of tangled vines, as thick as a sentry tower and impossibly long. It slammed down before us, both ends disappearing in to the distance. I wouldnt have believed such a thing were possible if I had not seen it for myself. How would it have even been able to get anywhere near Alynwick without anyone noticing?! Something far greater than a band of war hungry raiders was occurring. Sprouting from the large tentacled vines were several smaller (but still by far larger than they had any respect to be) vines that began to curl around and lash out at us.

Two surrounded my friends and they spaced themselves out to take on each, five or six against one, staying as best they could out of range of the other while I was so graciously given the honor of fighting the last by myself with no help or backup…

I remained as a hydra, my many rows of sharp teeth helping to tear into each corded vine and tear it apart further and further. I had nearly severed the foul thing from its host mother when my “allies” behind me felled one of theirs. And while they rejoiced and cheered at their success I watched in horror as almost as instantly as their vine shriveled, mine began to regrow and heal all of the work I had done. So again I set to work, one on one agaisnt my fine, tearing chunks of plant and fiber out of the wriggling mass.

I watched my vine shake and sputter, it slowed as its muscled fibers began to lose their temper, the strength escaping form its many open wounds. All at once I hear the shout of victory from behind me again and I watch as, again, all the work I had set upon undone and having the terrible vine rise from the brink of death to a renewed and fully healed vigor.

Go team, thanks for the help there guys.

Finally after they let me work in piece I was able to tear the damned tentacle from its root and kill the thing. I began to wonder why none of them bothered to help me when I turned around and saw them fighting a small group of little tentacle vine masses that flopped around and slapped at their legs. I didnt know a hydra could laugh, but evidently it sounds like a cross between a wolf growling and bear roaring but with a hiccup here or there for air and when if it sees its friends being swatted by little tentacle monsters it will continue to do so for approximately two and a half minutes.

Once the tenta-babies were dealt with we regrouped to try and cleave a way through the massive vine, but before we could launch any attacks the ground began to shake again, but with a heavy rhythm that seemed to grow as if growing closer. All at once the vine soared into the air and began to come crashing down on top of us to crush us flat beneath it. We shielded or heads and dived out of the way but the death blow never came. We turned and saw Merryl. He had used his staff to stop the blow and was holding the vine in place. This was made several times more impressive by the fact that he was now well over a hundred feet tall while doing so. He yelled at us to hurry, that he wouldnt be able to keep the vine busy forever.

Almost as if on cue, the vine curled around him and dragged him off into the white haze from whence it came. His last shout to us rang out through the blizzard “Fly you fools!” he implored. We wasted little time grieving, he had given us the time we needed to reach the city, to cry and lash ourselves at his sacrifice would be idiotic, who would do that when they have a narrow window to fulfill their goal and honor their friends sacrifice? Whoever did that would be a right idiot.

Anyway we arrived at the gates to a sight most disturbing. Piles of undead ringed the large gates to the town and the remaining zombies were merely crawling and walking on top of their hacked apart brethren. Wave after wave crashed against three monstrous beasts standing vigil against the gate.

A large tiger along side a smaller but no less fierce one and in company of the swift strike of an impressive snake. The three were holding their own but had obviously been at it for a while as their wounds plainly showed. The largest tiger had one entire limb shriveled into a lifeless black husk, but still it attacked with every ounce of energy it could muster. Perhaps they would have held out until the end of the battle were it not for one figure moving through the crowd of undead, bolstering them here and there with and launching the occasional strike against the beasts.

I returned to my (aesthetically superior) elven form and send a quick message to the largest tiger, letting it know that we were friends of the town here to help, and hoping they were the same. WIth a battle cry we ran forward to cleave a path to through the undead and immediately crashed into an invisible wall, well except for Hogrin and Hassan who kept walking like nothing happened. I swear I heard Hassan snickering about something but he was too far away to make out what. The others eventually passed through but I was left banging on the wall and lashing out with spells in desperation from my invisible prison.

With a few well placed magical artillery strikes and the others slicing their way through the crowd, they managed to make it to the beasts and to engage the un-undead guy. With a well planned spell, the beasts were buffed up to massive sizes and started laying some real hurt on the remaining zombies, that lasted for all of ten seconds before the BBEG decided to turn the center pile of dead-undead into a writhing mass of black tentacles (seriously? More tentacles? SERIOUSLY?!) which trapped everyone in the center as he tried to escape. Luckily some managed to get out of the trap and keep the pressure on him while the others did their best to worm their way out.

Hassan was put to great help here as he was able to blink in, grab someone and then apparate out, freeing them of their inevitable tentacle filled demise.

Once everyone was freed from his trap, Mr. BBEG realized he was not on the winning side of this engagement and flew up into the air. Try as I might to escape (even turning myself into a flying ball of darkness) my efforts amounted to about the same as a fly trapped in a jar, banging their heads agains the side of the glass indefinitely. He flew off into the distance as I finally was able to slip past the wall. I slunked down defeated until I saw a number of other, actual FBOD’s go soaring through the air in the same path. I stared at them, wondering how I could follow them in my current form without arising too much suspicion. Hassan must have been on the same train of thought as he tossed me the stone of darkness that he had taken from Kelly.

My disguise was set, I looked exactly like the other FBOD’s, I lifted off into the sky and silently set myself into their formation as I followed them to wherever their meeting grounds would be and into the waiting jaws of whatever evil awaited me there.

The Peter Jackson Version

Lords of Whitecliff Tzarchasem